too many difficult choices to make, and not enough time to make them. sometimes i think about just disappearing. it isn't like anyone would really notice, right?
it's only been a few days since i moved out and honestly, it feels liberating as fuck. of course, that asshole just *has* to stalk me online and try to start shit. apparently he wanted to send the police to my house in order to start some shit and was threatening to get my grandma (his own fucking MOTHER, mind you) thrown in jail?? what kind of piece of shit even DOES that??? so yeah, life's kinda hectic rn. the website will probably continue being inactive for a little while since i'm still unpacking. things are looking up though, hopefully i'll be getting my shit together. i've even been eyeing up a job working at a nearby library part-time while i get things straightened out; i remember the few months i spent working as a library assistant at my old middle school as being one of the happier times of my life, so i'm pretty sure i'd enjoy the work.
i'm tired of having to fight my own family. i'm tired of being defined by my past, my mistakes, my mental issues, my flaws, and by negativity in general. i'm not going to let that asshole keep dragging me through the not-entirely-proverbial dirt.
why do i feel so miserable all the time? is it the isolation? is it the long hours at a shitty job, dealing with a shittier boss? is it the "home" i come back to at night, where i constantly have to worry about touching or moving the wrong thing; or some unperceived slight against a cold, sadistically vindictive excuse of a man? i gave up my life and future for a pair of shackles and a chain. i should've stayed in school and unfucked myself years ago. i should've stayed with my grandmother and rebuilt my life at her house. i shouldn't have come back. two and a half years of psychological torment and being left to decay with no help, no tolerance of my issues my feelings or who *I* am, all he's done is watch me wade through my own suffering and not even bother to lend me a hand. your son's suffering, can't you see? doesn't he hear me screaming in the night, pleading and begging to people that aren't even there? doesn't he see me muttering to myself in the hallways as i pace around, lost in the sprawling expanses of my own head?
i don't know what to do. sometimes i can't tell if i'm going to break or if i'm already broken.
it's almost 3 am and i can't sleep again. i can't stop thinking. fuck i'm a mess.
hard drive died a couple days ago. i'm too unmotivated from getting my spare one working to do anything but lay around right now. thankfully i didn't lose anything worth keeping -- mostly just a bunch of vidya. i'll probably be spending a bare minimum of a few days redownloading a bunch of shit though
who needs sleep when you can be conscripted as free labor to vend at a hole-in-the-wall club all fucking night? at least i got some neat shit off some shady weeb while i was there, though
i haven't really had the time to regularly work on the website recently, but i'm still trying and that's what matters amirite
also i'm thinking about writing actual reviews for the anime list in addition to the ratings, although i doubt i'll actually get around to doing so
this entire year has really just fucking sucked. maybe i should kill myself before it gets any worse lmao
working on a website is hard when you're tired all the time
i just spent the last three days working as a vendor at a convention with zero sleep. being part of a family business can be an absolute pain in the ass sometimes. at least i bought a bunch of neat shit though; got a statue, a painting, some jewelry and shiny rocks, and some dude even drew a portrait of me. which reminds me, i still need to update the crystals page... *facepalm*
living is tiring, existing is tiring, everything is tiring holy fuck. can i just get, like, a single night's worth of peaceful and consistent sleep? for fuck's sake.
in other news, i still have no motivation apparently. there's a lot of shit that needs doing but i have neither the time nor the willpower to get it done apparently. that seems to be a trend in my life, to be honest
it's the first of the month and all i feel is empty
woke up too early today and now i'm just sitting at the computer drinking some shitty energy drink like some 40/yo boomer. i've been feeling weirdly nostalgic lately, kind of melancholic. motivation has been hard to come by recently. i just hope things will improve soon.
it's almost 5 in the morning, i have to leave for work in a few hours, and i've had absolutely no sleep. all i've done is drift off to the sound of my frankly oversized playlist while i work on this website in sporadic bursts. surprisingly comfy desu
i'd really like to expand upon the shrines page a lot more. as it stands the pages are kind of unsightly, and i have an intense urge to change that. i'm also considering adding some more information to the about page, but i'm not exactly sure what i'd add. maybe i'll just take my dumb ass straight back to 2007 where it belongs and start collecting badges or something, idk.
halfway-through-the-day-upd8: i'm thinking about adding some kind of occult/spirituality section to the site, considering occultism has been a passion of mine for the past few years.
i'm tired. that's all, thanks for listening to my ted talk. depression really is like that sometimes.